Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
