Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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