my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
