The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
