U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
