Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
These tits shall not be calmed
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
