he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
