Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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