Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
