She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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