I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize