you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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