I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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