Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
how does that bad decision feel?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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