just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
