Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
