im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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