I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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