I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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