She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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