Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
