Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
there is glitter all over my balls
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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