this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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