recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
There r osticjed everywhere
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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