nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
