I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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