did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
