Your face is a jimmy john
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
