I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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