in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
