Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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