i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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