just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
