i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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