The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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