I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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