i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
