Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
