he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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