i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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