and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
