She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
