Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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