if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
