dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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