Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
