By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I need to stop coming to work sober
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
