Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
