My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
