How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
farters have to be the big spoon...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
