My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
