I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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