He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
