Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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