I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
