i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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