I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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