is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
