Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
